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The end of November sucks. [22 Nov 2012|09:06pm]
I remember it like it was yesterday. Getting the call to say my Grandmother was in the hospital. That things were not looking good. Getting home the next day so I could see her. I am glad I did. It was the last time I got to see her. But it was not her. There in her place was an old woman. One who could barely talk. That was not her. She was the woman who until a week before was still living on her own. Baking bread every week, cooking every day and taking her dog for walks twice a day. But she could still give me a smile when she saw me. Told me I was looking fat(a compliment, really) and saying goodbye the next day. I told her I would see her in a month when I was down for Christmas. She never made it that long.

That evening call 4 days later was one of the worst moments of my life. I was able to hold it together to make plans to get off work and get home again. I held it together at the visitation, the family, the funeral and the grave site. I held it together until we started going through her apartment. Of all things to make me break down, a mug. I needed to get it out though so it was good.

I had an interesting relationship with that woman. I was the grandson of her youngest. I was not the first grandchild and I would not be the last. However the first 4 years of my life were spent growing up in her house. Every sick day from school was spent on her couch. Some of those days I may not have been sick but just wanted to spend time with her.

I don't know how many Saturday nights I spent watching hockey with her. EVEN the late games when I was never allowed to do that at home. Then it was Saturday Night Live. And she would stay up with me watching and still be up early the next day to make pancakes.

Later on when I was old enough to stay home alone, I would still go over all the time to see her. Take her dog out for a run and just talk. We would talk about everything and nothing. I would help her cook. I did not think of it at the time but that was where I learned how to cook. I did not think of it that way until just recently. It was just spending time with Gram.

When I first moved away, I moved about a 14 hour drive away. That lasted all of about 7 months. I missed seeing her. She was the one thing that I did miss. Even now when I go home it just does not feel the same. Christmas is not the same without her home made buns or ginger snaps. The funniest Christmas card I ever got was from her. Not that the card was all that funny, but what she wrote was. "There are so many of you and I am old." With a check for $10. You could tell she wanted to write something special but could just not come up with it so she out the first thing she thought of. And that was her. She spoke her mind. She had lived her life and if you did not like what she had to say well too bad for you.

I miss that.
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Hmmm. [21 Nov 2012|08:13pm]
Some times I hate these living arrangements. I realize that there is not much that can be done about some of the issues I have. The FASD and all the things that come with it are something out of his control. The being diagnosed at the maturity level of a 17 year old and the rage which leads to holes in the walls and broken things. Nothing can be done about that.

It is the not working and being on disability so not being able to help with the bills, sitting at home on the internet all day yet the place being a mess. I work 6 days a week then have to do all the cleaning?

Always complaining come the end of the month about not having food but there is always money for cigarettes and pot.

Those are the things that bother me about these living arrangements. Now I want to go back to school and I don't know how I can make it work. I don't want to be stuck in this job forever but I just don't know what to do.
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[15 Oct 2010|08:32pm]
Sitting here you on my mind
Heart heavy
Wanting to reveal my true feelings
Keeping them locked away for one more day
Feelings for you that I will never share
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[17 Aug 2010|03:14pm]
Like the sweet smell of a flower in the summer breeze, you were only here for an instant.
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[04 Jun 2010|07:43pm]
the most powerful word.
No other can bring joy or pain
like this one word.
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[24 May 2010|07:59am]
3am walk in the park
playing on the swings in the dark
my thoughts hidden
like stars is the fog
the loneliness of being without you
surrounds me like the mist in the air
music that reminds me of you
playing in my mind
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[17 May 2010|05:57pm]
Feelings I have to hide
the truth locked up deep inside
things I want to say
put off for one more day
Knowing that how I feel is wrong
wrong place wrong time
so I go on
keeping this from you
hoping that one day our souls will cross paths again.
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[12 May 2010|07:13pm]
It wouldn`t be fair to you
to continue down this path
Going through the motions
while wanting someone else
Our paths crossed one day
Now they are leading us apart
What was once what I wanted
Is not what I want now
What was a fairy tale
is now a tragedy
So I will go into the unknown
without you at my side.
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[26 Apr 2010|08:40pm]
Why did I let you into my life
Only to push you away
Why did I hold you close
Only to let you go
Most of all
Why did I love you?
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[18 Apr 2010|02:13am]
This was not my intention, this was never my plan. A heart of ice melted by your smile. My dark soul brightened by the sparkle in your eyes. I want to put my arms around you and never let go.
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[03 Apr 2010|06:50am]
A song once said all you need is love
but what about when that love is tearing you apart?
When your world is crashing down around
where do you turn when the one you love
is the one bring it all down?
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[30 Mar 2010|03:29pm]
Looking down into your eyes so blue
It was then that I knew
I was in love with you
And that there was nothing I could do

Our fates written in the stars
For all to see
A love that spans the universe
The thing dreams are made of
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(Miss You) When You're Near [15 Mar 2010|05:45am]
Standing next to you
So much I want to say
I want you
I need you
I love you
The word just wont come out
I miss you when you're near
I want to touch you again
Feel your smooth soft skin
Taste your lips again
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Tear Away the Skin [15 Mar 2010|05:45am]
I'm packing up and hitting the road
Leaving all my pain behind
Running from my problems
Running from my pain
No one knows where I've been
A new name
A new town
A chance to start again
Afraid to look in the mirror
Scared of what I'll see
Tear away the skin
See whats within
You can only run
for so long
Turn around
Face your fears
No more running
No more tears
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(Not a) Day Goes By [15 Mar 2010|05:44am]
There was a time
when every thing was alright
life was worth living
when time stands still
Every day was special
Not a Day Goes by
that I don't think about you
Not a day goes by
That I don't see your pretty face
Not a day goes by
that I don't miss you
You told me you loved me
was it all just a lie
We'd be together till the end of time
Not a day goes by
that I don't want you back
Not a day goes by that I don't die a little
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The End [26 Jul 2004|09:21am]
This is the end
We say lets be friends
But we both know
It doesn't work

It all feels like a bad dream
Trying to wake from this nightmare
It seems all too real
Is it really over?

Talked to you today
Try to get you to take me back
I didn't want to hurt you
With all the things I've said

It all feels like a bad dream
Trying to wake from this nightmare
It seems all too real
Is it really over?

The thought of you
In the arms of another
Brings feeling of loneliness
Too my broken life
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Lies [26 Jul 2004|09:21am]
You go through life
Being some thing that you're not
Lying to all those around
I see the true you
I see you for who you are
I see through the lies

You can lie to the outside
You can't lie to your self
You can't live in the fantasy
You've created all your life
Your world of lies
Collapses around you

Struggling with reality
Nothing is what is seems
Betrayed by your thoughts
Betrayed by your dreams
Left alone with your misery
No chance to save your soul
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Out of My Mind [26 Jul 2004|09:19am]
I see you sitting across the room
So much I want to say
But the words just won't come
Looking deep into your eyes
Getting lost in your gaze
But I can't find the words to let you know
Thoughts running through my mind
But the words are left unsaid

I can't get your body
Out of my mind
You're making me go
Out of my mind
Can't seem to get you
Out of my mind

Left a shell of my former self
I can't stop thinking of you
When I close my eyes your face is all I see
My lust turned to hate
Lurking in the shadows
Waiting, Watching
If I can't have you no one will
I will make you feel my pain

I can't get your body
Out of my mind
You're making me go
Out of my mind
Can't seem to get you
Out of my mind
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Haunting Me [26 Jul 2004|09:19am]
Things I want to say
Put off for one more day
Rehearse them in my head
For when the time is right

Gain your trust
Suppress my lust
Friends till the end
Nothing is ever said

Dreams of you are haunting me
Looking into your eyes
Reveals a pain inside
Feelings I can't hide

Gain your trust
Suppress my lust
Friends till the end
Nothing is ever said

Save me from my self
Deeper into despair I fall
There is no love for me
Only the pain of loneliness
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Better Left Unsaid [26 Jul 2004|09:18am]
Heart full of anger
Soul full of rage
Keep it locked up
Deep inside
Misplaced hate
Aimed at you

It's not your fault
But it's one of mine
I hate my self
For what I've done to you
Put you down
To build my self up

Some things are better left unsaid
Preserved inside and left for dead
We talked about the future
Now all we have is the past
Memories of a better time
Memories are all that's left
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